Welcome  ChixxChat

So often growing up I've heard "Be Quiet". "Don't question God." "Don't talk during the movie." "Stay out of this conversation." "Stay out of grown folks business"...... and the list goes on. What if this was the beginning of us being groomed to keeping our mouth shut when we should be speaking? What if this was a systematic way to get us to just follow the lead and not be a leader? What if this was the enemy way to get us to fall into the trap of religion and not relationship? What if this was unknowingly the enemy's way to get our ancestors into slavery. When we come in this world we are ignorant of love, hate, knowledge, emotions, thoughts, habits, right from wrong and so forth. Yes we have basic instincts like feelings, touch, sight, hearing and taste, but we don't know what any of that means until we are taught. Touching the hot stove teaches us “ouch that burns.” Tasting something that’s bitter teaches us to react in a “that’s awful look” or no longer eat it. Looking at something scary teaches us to cover our eyes or not to watch that anymore. Hearing derogatory things about another race or ethnicity teaches us prejudice and racism. What if a child was reprimanded every time it cried? Eventually they stop crying…. how would we know if they were hungry, wet, sleepy or just needed love? What if we continue to believe we couldn't question God, how would He ever be able to answer with "yes, no or wait?" How can marriages or relationships survive if we continue to say "I'm not going to say anything," or "I'm tired of repeating myself," or "He/She will handle it?" If you don't say it are they supposed to be mind-readers? If you don't repeat it and they didn't get a full understanding the 1st or 100th it was said, then who suffers you because obviously what you need or are asking for still isn't done or them because they are doing/saying the same things that they deemed okay in the first place? If both of you is thinking the other person will take care of it without communicating that, then it never gets taken care of. If you don't ask clarification questions or if you don't speak up then you are speaking louder than you think and the one thing you're saying is "It's OKAY!" It's okay to not be a priority, it's okay to continue on and not understand, it's okay to be mistreated, it's okay to settle for less, it's okay that you make me feel like I don't matter as much, it’s okay that what’s needed never gets taken care of, it’s okay that I’m suffering. Truth is, it's NOT OKAY. It's not okay to suffer in silence. It's not okay to dilute who you are for the satisfaction of someone else. It's not okay to be overlooked. It's not okay to be silenced. It’s not okay to not reach your full potential. It’s not okay to watch your relationship suffer. It’s just not okay. Where is your voice? What happened to your sound? Did you say it in a tone where it could be understood or received? Are you whispering? Can they hear you? I used to tell my kids when they were coming up, all you have to do is ask, the worst case scenario is that you'll be in the same position you're in now but the best case is that you are heard and you get what you want. At the end of the day Closed mouths don't get fed.........Open your mouth!

As a child I often participated in a game called "hide and seek". The objective is to conceal "hide" yourself while the person that is appointed to be the chaser gives you time by counting and then they come and find you. I remember laughing quietly and running while trying not to give up my sacred hiding spot. After a while the chaser would actually find and tag me or I'd run a different route until I got back to home base, where the chaser would have to start the cycle all over again. The thing is, if I got caught by the chaser is the game over or do we continue the fun and keep playing over and over again?

Although a relationship isn't a game, do you ever feel that the initial chase is? What happens when the "courtship" season is over and you are now committed? Do you continue to play over and over again to keep the fun and spice in the relationship or do get in to a mode of habit and complacency in your relationship and forget about the chase? So many times I hear people voice that the spice is gone. So often they express that "he doesn't romance me anymore", or "she doesn't keep herself up like she did at first" and then the interest starts to slowly fade. The excitement isn't so exciting. The longing to be in each other presence isn't quite as strong. What causes you to quit the chase?

I think that it is very important to continue what you did in the beginning throughout your relationship. Now don't get me wrong, life happens, you grow up, you have kids, needs change, your way of thinking is different, etc.....does that give you a pass? No! It means you simply have to tweak a few things. Just because you can no longer wear a two-piece to the beach ladies doesn't mean you can't wear a sexy one-piece. Just because you can't afford to get your hair done every week like you did at the beginning doesn't mean you have to go to bed with rollers or your hair all wrapped up. Buy a silk pillow case and leave your hair out sometimes with your pretty night gown on or no pj's at all. Just because you're tired from work men doesn't mean you come home leave your shoes in the front room sit in your favorite chair in front of the TV and wait for dinner to be served. Try coming home and showering to get your second wind and sit at the table while she's cooking and ask how her day went or if there is something you can do to help. Call her in the middle of the day and tell her you're having a long day but you made reservations and would love to take her on a dinner date.

Bottom line is the chase doesn't have to end just because you can't run as fast or as long as you use to. It's okay to slow down and catch your breath as long as you keep running.......

So often when we are in relationships, we often see potential or have a longing for the other party to possess a certain something that we feel would make the relationship better. We want them to have what we think is missing to make us happy in the relationship. We want them to make changes because we have convinced ourselves that they are the ones that need to change and not us. We make affirmations like, “if they don’t change then I’m leaving”. “If they don’t get it together, I’m out of here.” We secretly wish they were more romantic or more thoughtful.

In essence, we want them to adjust to us “our flaws and all”. We want to recreate them to be who we want them to be. We want to rush their process and see them at the finish line…. for their “good’ right?

No, if we are honest with ourselves, we want them to change and hurry up and get it right for our benefits. But is that fair? Is that fair that we are trying to rush their journey, wish them past lessons that they need to learn or hurry them to the finish line without allowing them to enjoy/experience each leg of the race?

While our intentions may be genuine and good, in all actuality they are selfish. It’s quite common for us to see faults or flaws in others versus looking within ourselves to see what changes we need to make. If we change our perspective on our situation, it will inadvertently change our expectations.

What do I mean by that?

Instead of looking at what our significant others can do/change to assist in making the relationship better, how about we look within ourselves and see what we can change to make things better for us. We go through situations and relationships investing time and energy into something that is either not for us or on the wrong things and cause more headache than necessary in our relationship. When we realize that we can’t change other people and we only have control to change ourselves, our perspective begins to change and then our expectations don’t have that power to affect us the same way. If we focus on how we can change ourselves for the better to make us happy or contribute to the success of our relationships it will unconsciously motivate them to do the same IF they want it as bad as you do. Once we take full accountability for our happiness, we will stop expecting to find it in others. You would be so amazed at how much stress and pressure that will get released once we change our perspective.

When we learn and accept that we are responsible and capable of only changing us those good intentions will no longer be selfish requests.

So often when we are in relationships, we often see potential or have a longing for the other party to possess a certain something that we feel would make the relationship better. We want them to have what we think is missing to make us happy in the relationship. We want them to make changes because we have convinced ourselves that they are the ones that need to change and not us. We make affirmations like, “if they don’t change then I’m leaving”. “If they don’t get it together, I’m out of here.” We secretly wish they were more romantic or more thoughtful.

In essence, we want them to adjust to us “our flaws and all”. We want to recreate them to be who we want them to be. We want to rush their process and see them at the finish line…. for their “good’ right?

No, if we are honest with ourselves, we want them to change and hurry up and get it right for our benefits. But is that fair? Is that fair that we are trying to rush their journey, wish them past lessons that they need to learn or hurry them to the finish line without allowing them to enjoy/experience each leg of the race?

While our intentions may be genuine and good, in all actuality they are selfish. It’s quite common for us to see faults or flaws in others versus looking within ourselves to see what changes we need to make. If we change our perspective on our situation, it will inadvertently change our expectations.

What do I mean by that?

Instead of looking at what our significant others can do/change to assist in making the relationship better, how about we look within ourselves and see what we can change to make things better for us. We go through situations and relationships investing time and energy into something that is either not for us or on the wrong things and cause more headache than necessary in our relationship. When we realize that we can’t change other people and we only have control to change ourselves, our perspective begins to change and then our expectations don’t have that power to affect us the same way. If we focus on how we can change ourselves for the better to make us happy or contribute to the success of our relationships it will unconsciously motivate them to do the same IF they want it as bad as you do. Once we take full accountability for our happiness, we will stop expecting to find it in others. You would be so amazed at how much stress and pressure that will get released once we change our perspective.

When we learn and accept that we are responsible and capable of only changing us those good intentions will no longer be selfish requests.

Do you feel like as a parent if you have raised your kids and they become famous or financially successful that they owe you? Do you feel that since you rushed off of work to take them to practices and games, or you worked extra hours so that you could afford to put them in special leagues like “AAU” and you’ve paid for special coaching sessions, or made sure they had enough money to go on all of the out of town trips with the team, sold dinners on the side so that you could afford to purchase the new uniforms each year and now that they’ve finally made it into the “Big Leagues” that it’s their turn to take care of you? Do they owe you now? Are they famous or are “ya’ll” famous? Are they wealthy or are “ya’ll” wealthy? Did they make it or did “ya’ll” make it? When does the obligation begin or end? Is that a required or expected “Pay It Forward”?

A lot of times as parents we pour so much into our children with the hopes that they be better than us. We pray for success, wealth and prosperity and good health for our children. We root for them to make it and then when they do, we have an expectation of “tag you’re it” but are they really? Isn’t it our responsibility to take care of our children and provide the best life possible? Aren’t we supposed to sacrifice to provide their needs and sometimes wants and even invest in their future? Aren’t we supposed to support their dreams and nourish their potential? Is it their fault that instead of telling them we can’t afford something we decide to sacrifice and find a way to make it happen? Is it their fault that sometimes we have them when we are not properly prepared to take care of them as easily as we would like causing us to possibly struggle at times?

The thing is as parents it is our responsibility to properly care for and nourish our kids. It is our responsibility to support and provide for our kids. It is our responsibility to mold them into successful adults and good productive citizens. It is our responsibility to educate them and show them how to go after their dreams. So why is it that when they become adults if they make it into the “Big Leagues” whether it’s sports, music, acting, entrepreneurialship (if that’s even a word…lol), etc…. that we expect to stop working and stop taking care of ourselves because we feel like now that they can afford it, they must take care of us? We feel like they are obligated to share the wealth. What happens when they become successful adults but not necessarily wealthy or famous, do we have expectations of them then? Do we expect them to take care of us and provide for us then? Why is it that expectations differ according to the amount of assets they possess?

Many times, in some “cultures/communities” we find that parents invest in their kids with the sole hope or intention of them becoming a famous athlete, or the next top model, or the next leading lady or actress, etc… but are we “intentionally” doing so because we love them and see the potential and they have shown interest in that particular thing, or are we doing so with hopes of getting a return on our investment? Are we secretly hoping that if we pay it now then they will pay it forward? I’ve even seen where some of us are not even the parent of the wealthy or famous kid we’re the “in law” and feel that because our child has acquired this “lifestyle” through marriage, that somehow, we are still entitled to even that! Is it ever right to feel like someone else’s success or fame belongs to us? If they are destined to have it or be it and follow their path will they not obtain it with or without us? If we have good intentions and really embrace our responsibilities as parents, then it doesn’t matter whether they are rich or poor and decide that what they’ve worked hard for or have acquired through marriage, inheritance, happenstance, etc.. all belongs to them because we’ve done our part, now it’s their time to do their part according to how they see fit not because they are repaying a debt that we make them feel they owe.

According to the “Good Book”, if we train up a child in the way they should go then they won’t depart from it. That means how we raise them will determine what they do when they get older. They will have a heart to reciprocate the love and sacrifice that we poured into them in ALL ways out of mere wanting to do for us what we have done for them, not out of expectation or obligation. Our responsibility and sacrifices that we make as parents should not equate as obligation to them as adults.